March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
How can parents decide on a custody visitation plan?
Parents who separate should have a custody visitation or parenting plan for deciding how they will share parenting responsibilities. A custody visitation plan must be in writing signed by both parties a judge to be enforceable.
What if parents cannot agree on a custody visitation plan?
If parents cannot agree on custody visitation on their own they may go to court ask a judge for a temporary order. The Court will first send them to Conciliation Court where a trained mediator tries to help the parties agree. In Los Angeles conciliation services are free. An appointment can be made by calling conciliation services at (213) 974-5524.
If the parties still cannot agree, the Court will make a temporary custody visitation order that is in the best interests of the children. The temporary order will continue until the parties can reach an agreement or until custody visitation is resolved after a trial.
If parents cannot agree on custody visitation, they can also ask the court to appoint a mental health expert such as a psychologist to carry out a custody evaluation. A list of custody evaluators can be found at the Los Angeles Court’s web site at www.lasuperiorcourt.org.
Developing a Plan
While it is difficult to make generalizations about the suitability of various parenting plans many experts agree that during the first years of life, it is important for young children to develop an attachment to a primary caretaker recommend frequent but non-overnight visitation with the non-custodial parent for short periods of time. As the children grow older are better able to develop multiple attachments longer periods of continuous overnight visitation is encouraged.
Consider the practical aspects of any plan
A first step in developing a plan is charting out the schedules of the children both parents. This will help you make realistic choices based upon practical considerations. Take a calendar chart out in a colored pen the activities of each of your children (e.g. when they leave return from school/day care each day, when they go to different activities such as music lessons, when they have vacations etc.) Next, take a different colored pen chart your activities commitments. Include when you go to return from work, go to meetings, go out with friends etc. With another colored pen do the same for the other parent. You should then compare both parents plans to see if there is any common ground.
The childrens best interests
When parents decide custody visitation they should develop a plan around the needs best interests of their children not their needs or schedules. In other words, they should adjust the plan to the children, not the children to the plan. Parents should be looking at their children’s need for love, emotional support security. Parents should take into account their children’s age, personality experiences. Children will generally be better off when both parents are involved participating in their upbringing.
Next you should consider who has historically been responsible for different commitments with the children which parent is practically able to fulfill them in the future. Questions you should consider are:
Who do the children turn to when they have a problem or need to share their feelings?
Who does homework with the children?
What do the children do on the weekends?
Do the children spend time with relatives who takes them?
Who takes the children to medical appointments or picks them up in when they are sick?
Who provides the childrens physical care, such as bathing, changing diapers, arranging for sitters, haircuts, feeding?
How do you your spouse discipline the children set structure for them?
What kind of personal attention do each of you give to the children, such as teaching problem solving, reading, playing together, sharing activities?
Who is responsible for the childrens social activities, such as arranging birthdays, play dates, trick or treating, taking class trips, games, lessons, school plays etc?
Joint Custody
For older children one of the key issues is whether a joint custody is more appropriate than an arrangement where the non-custodial parent has alternate weekends one or two overnights during the week. The answer will be different for each family. The parents relationship their level of cooperation also the childrens preferences can be as important as how much time the children physically spend with each parent.
The Legal Aspects of a Plan
Any parenting plan will have to make provision for who gets legal custody who gets physical custody of the children. These are the terms that are used in agreements.
Legal custody means which parent gets to make important decisions about the children’s education, religious upbringing, medical treatment other legal decisions. If one parent gets to make these decisions they have sole legal custody. If both parents get to make those decisions together, they have joint legal custody. It is rare for one parent to be granted sole legal custody unless there are issues of domestic violence substance abuse or there is a history of the parents being unable to communicate In deciding on issues relating to legal custody, form Joint Legal Custody Attachment FL-341 (E) which has been approved by the Judicial Council of California is helpful. It can be found at www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/.
Physical custody means who the children live with on a daily basis. A parent has sole physical custody if the primary residence of the child is with that parent. The non-custodial parent then has visitation rights. The parents have joint physical custody if the children live with each parent for significant periods of time during the week.
A custody visitation plan should be consistent detailed. It should spell out who gets the children when where in enough detail so that it is easy to underst enforce. Important questions are who has the children in the week on the weekends? Who transports the children for exchanges to activities? Who gets the children on holidays vacations? In California, the Judicial Counsel has developed forms to be used when requesting custody visitation. The forms Child Custody Visitation Attachment FL-311 Children’s Holiday Schedule Attachment can be found at www. Courtinfo.ca.gov/forms are helpful in developing plans.
Sample physical custody plans
Some states have developed model parenting plans that take into account what is appropriate for children of different ages stages of development. The Oregon Judicial Department has developed a Basic Parenting Plan for Parents that can be found at: http://www.ojd.state.or.us/osca/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/parentingplan.htm. The Supreme Court for the State of Arizona has also developed a model parenting plan that can be found at: www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/Text/ModelPTPlans.htm
The following samples are based on those parenting plans.
Birth to 12 months
Sample Language:
Commencing on , Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week on Tuesday Thursday from 4:30 p.m. to 7:30 pm. Saturday from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Parent A shall be responsible for picking up dropping of the minor child(ren) at the residence of Parent B. Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) at all other times not designated as Parent As time.
Comments:
At this young age, infants form a primary attachment to one parent long periods of absence from the primary attachment figure may be traumatic. Parents should minimize the infants basic sleep, feeding waking cycles.
Pre-schooler 3 5 years
The parties alternate weekends the non-custodial parent has one evening or overnight during the week.
Sample Language:
A. Commencing on , Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) alternate weekends from Friday, after the end of school/child care/camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camps, or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care, until Monday, at the start of school/child care (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.
B.Commencing on , Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Wednesday, after the end of school/child care camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camp, or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Thursday, at the start of school/child care/camp(or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.
C.Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) at all other times not designated as Parent As time.
* Instead of referring to alternate weekends, a plan can refer to 1st, 3rd 5th weekends of the month. This generally avoids any confusion about which parents has custody on any given weekend.
Comments:
It may be suitable where Parent B has not been very involved in the day to day care of the child has a busy work schedule. Three to five year olds may show increased anxiety moving between parents homes. This does not necessarily reflect on whether the other parent is not a good parent or does not want to be with the other parent. Depending on the maturity of the child the practicality of the exchanges these times can be negotiated so that Parent A only has the child one or two evenings in the week has shorter or longer weekends.
2:2:3 Joint Physical Custody for older children
The parties alternate weekends each parent has the children two days in the week.
Sample Language:
A.Commencing on , Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Monday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp, or at Parent As residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, subject to paragraph C below, until Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.
B.Commencing on , Parent B shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Friday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent As residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, subject to paragraph C below.
C.The parties shall alternate physical custody of the minor child(ren) during the weekends, from Friday, at the start the start of school (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school), until their return to school on Monday (or at 8:00 a.m. if the children are not in school) when the children shall be returned to their respective school or to the receiving parents residence, in the event the children are not in school.
Comments:
The child spends no longer than three days/nights away from either parent.
2:2:5:5 Joint Physical Custody For Older Children
The parties alternate two five day periods with the children. Each parent has two consecutive midweek overnights each week alternate the weekends.
Sample Language:
A.In Week 1, commencing , Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) each week from Monday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent B shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp, or at Parent As residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Wednesday, at the start of school/child care/camp (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.
B.In Week 1 2, commencing , Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) on Friday, after the end of school/child care/camp (or at 5:30 p.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall pick up the child(ren) from school/child care/camps, or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care, until the following Wednesday, at the start of school/child care (or at 8:00 a.m. if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp), when Parent A shall drop the minor child(ren) off at school/child care/camp or at Parent Bs residence if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp.
C. After the conclusion of Week 2, the two week rotation shall commence again with the physical custody schedule set forth above for Week 1.
D.Parent B shall have custody of the children at all times not designated as Parent As time.
Comments: The works better for well adjusted children who have a good attachment to both parents. It allows for joint physical custody but each child is only away from the non-custodial parent for five days.
Alternating Weeks - Joint Physical Custody
Sample Language:
Commencing , on alternate weeks thereafter, Parent A shall have physical custody of the minor child(ren) from Monday at the start of school/child care/camp, or from 12:00 noon if the child(ren) are not in school/child care/camp, until Parent A returns the child(ren) to school the following Monday at the commencement of school, or 12:00 noon if the child(ren) is not in school/child care/camp, when Parent A shall return the child(ren) to Parent Bs residence. Parent B shall have custody of the child(ren) at all other times.
Comments:
The children may need to have mid-week contact with the non-custodial parent. This schedule can be altered to provide for a mid-week evening or overnight with the non-custodial parent.
Sample Legal Custody Plans
In deciding on issues relating to legal custody, form Joint Legal Custody Attachment FL-341 (E) which has been approved by the Judicial Council of California is helpful. It can be found at www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/ Where both parents are cooperative are able to communicate the following joint legal custody language can be used.
Sample Language:
The parties shall have joint legal custody of the child(ren). In exercising joint legal custody, the parties shall make every reasonable effort to foster feelings of affection between themselves the child(ren). The parties shall cooperate consult with one another so as to reach mutual agreement on all issues affecting the health, education welfare of the children, including but not limited to the following:
(1)Enrollment or termination in a particular private or public school/child care/summer camp;
(2)Beginning or ending the regular practice of religion;
(3)Commencement of psychiatric, psychological or other mental health counseling or therapy;
(4)Authorizing the childrens drivers licenses;
(5)Passport applications;
(6)Enrollment in regular extracurricular activities;
(7)Non-emergency medical or dental treatment, other than routine check-ups.
Links
www.lasuperiorcourt.org
www.courtinfo.ca.gov/forms/
http://www.ojd.state.or.us/osca/cpsd/courtimprovement/familylaw/parentingplan.htm
www.supreme.state.az.us/dr/Text/ModelPTPlans.htm
www.warrenrshiell,.om
2006 Warren R. Shiell. All rights reserved.
The information contained in this article is for informational purposes only shall not constitute legal advice. Nothing in this Website shall be deemed to create an Attorney-Client relationship. An Attorney-Client relationship shall only be created when this office agrees to represent a Client a Client signs a written retainer agreement.
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Telephone: (310) 247-9913
Email: LaFamilyLaw@yahoo.com
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The Law Offices of Warren R. Shiell devotes its practice solely to the field of family law. We hle all aspects of family matrimonial law matters, including dissolution of marriage, separation, nullity, custody/visitation disputes, support, paternity, division valuation of property. Warren R. Shiell is a member of the California New York Bar. He has won several cases at the New York Appellate Division. He graduated from Oxford University with an M.A. in law attended the University of Southern California. He is a member of the Family Law section of the Los Angeles County Bar Association. He was a legal consultant on The Guardian on CBS. He has lectured published articles on behalf of various local Bar Associations.
Author: Warren R. Shiell
Keywords: Los Angeles Divorce Family Law attorney lawyer custody visitation parenting plan california
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By admin
March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
Divorce is never easy. When you select an attorney to represent you, he or she understands that. Your attorney and legal staff will guide you through the process. This is a list of the information your attorneys office will need in order to protect your interests and prepare the necessary forms.
-Your full legal names, including maiden name of the wife.
-Your current address, and previous addresses. Be prepared to at least furnish your most recent previous address.
-Telephone numbers, fax numbers, e-mail address in order to reach you.
-Current contact information for your spouse.
-Social security numbers, dates and places of birth for you and your spouse.
-Place of your employment, how long employed there, salary.
-Employment information for you and your spouse.
-Provide any military service information for either spouse.
-Date and place of your marriage.
-How many prior marriages for both you and your spouse.
-Regarding children born of current marriage, their names, ages, dates of birth, and where they presently reside.
-List any retirement plans, pensions, IRA accounts, CDs for either spouse.
-Personal health insurance information and note which spouse is carrying it.
-List all other life, mortgage and personal property insurance coverages.
-A list of marital assets, including real estate, bank accounts, personal property owned by both.
-A list of non-marital assets, including real estate, bank accounts, personal property (this is property owned individually by you or your spouse).
-A list of liabilities, or debts, for both spouses. This includes loans, mortgages, and credit card balances.
**Note: Regarding real estate, you will be asked to provide information regarding the deed. If you have a copy of your deed, take it with you to the consultation.
You will be asked other pertinent information, such as any agreements you and your spouse have already reached regarding marital property, who will have primary residential custody of any children and what the proposed visitation arrangement may be. If you fear some areas are not in agreement, be prepared to tell your attorney what they are and how you wish them to be handled.
The requested information is confidential, and your attorney and staff are working for you. Most attorneys will have a questionnaire form you will be asked to fill out, either prior to the initial meeting or when you arrive. The form will include the items I listed in this article. Make your own list of any questions you want to discuss with your attorney and take it with you - you are understandably stressed and there’s a lot to cover. Your own list will ensure you remember to ask any particularly important questions.
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By admin
March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
In the emerging field of collaborative law, there is an approach known as the Multi-Disciplinary Model. In essence, this model provides for a collaborative divorce team consisting of two lawyers, two divorce coaches, a child specialist and a financial advisor to assist the couple. Many people may scoff at this idea, especially since one of the goals of collaborative law is to reduce the amount of cost associated with divorce. But a closer look at the multi disciplinary approach helps explain why this team of six can be more cost effective than the traditional method of divorce.
The first thing to keep in mind is that divorce affects couples on many levels. There are financial, legal and emotional considerations and then there are issues involving children. In simple terms, a divorce is a multi task assignment. These tasks include not only reaching a legal division, but also the development of age-appropriate parenting plans, learning communication skills that will move spouses successfully along the road of co-parenting, moving away from the blame/shame cycle. The financial portion of a divorce can be complicated by uncertainty about the future, tax considerations, and different methods of structuring a financial settlement.
In the traditional model, lawyers are called upon to handle all of these tasks, which is impossible considering that lawyers are neither accountants, therapists or child specialists. As a result, the divorce becomes final but many issues often go unresolved. In a collaborative divorce, there are neither dueling lawyers nor dueling experts. The Collaborative Divorce model instead uses a collaborative team who provides containment for the couple as they go through the divorce transition. Within this model, clients are informed of their process choices, which includes the involvement of different professionals such as lawyers, mental health professionals who act as divorce coaches, mental health professionals who act as neutral child specialists, and neutral financial specialists.
Clients may choose to involve lawyers, coaches, a child specialist and a financial adviser from the beginning. It is more common for parties to build their team as they proceed through the process, depending upon their needs. For instance, spouses may choose to engage coaches only after hitting speed bumps in their work with lawyers.
The divorce team communicates in team meetings about the parties and the issues they are working through. Clients sign agreements with their lawyers, with any divorce coaches they retain, with the child specialist and financial specialist (if retained) that confirm no one will subpoena any professionals if the case goes out of the collaborative process. The contracts also allow the professionals to communicate freely amongst themselves to further understanding of the clients needs.
Clients often question the cost of this process. Cost is a huge factor for most couples as they divorce. In a traditional divorce, litigants often have little or no over legal bills once the litigation template becomes the engine of their divorce. Litigants are completely unable to control the time their lawyers spend waiting in court to be heard, the volume and length of correspondence exchanged between counsel, or the extensive Pretrial discovery, required by the Court, but often not particularly needed by the clients.
It makes not only good practical sense but also good fiscal sense to allow clients to retain professionals that will be used only as much as the client requires them, and whose specific skills are geared to the clients needs. On an hourly basis, therapists and counsellors are less expensive than lawyers, and more skilled in dealing with conflict. Even in high conflict families, both the inter-disciplinary groups and the Collaborative Divorce teams are finding that couples spend less on divorce coaches than litigants in the same community are spending on psychologists for custody and access assessments. The outcome for couples using divorce coaches is a de-escalation of the conflict, as opposed to custody and access assessments which provide the spouses with no new skills and are often more divisive for the family.
Lori Barkus is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Civil Mediator, a Family Law Mediator and a Collaborative Divorce professional who practices in the areas of Marital and Family Law, Collaborative Divorce and mediation in Miami-Dade and Broward counties.
Author: Lori Barkus
Keywords: divorce, collaborative divorce, amicable, cost
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By admin
March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
Divorce is undoubtedly one of the most emotionally and financially difficult events in a persons life. Most of us have heard horror stories about custody battles and protracted litigation, or, perhaps, have experienced this first-hand. As divorce has become, unfortunately, more prevalent, the legal system has struggled with ways to minimize the impact of divorce, especially where children are concerned. Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.
In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing not to go to court and instead to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. The parties agree that all discussions and information provided remains confidential The parties are not permitted to use threats of litigation, custody or otherwise. The parties are permitted to withdraw from the process, but, if either chooses to do so, both lawyers are prohibited from representing the parties in any divorce proceedings. If the parties reach an agreement, their lawyers prepare the necessary papers to finalize the divorce.
Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.
In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the childrens best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.
Clients often question the cost of this process. Cost is a huge factor for most couples as they divorce. In a traditional divorce, litigants often have little or no over legal bills once the litigation template becomes the engine of their divorce. Litigants are completely unable to control the time their lawyers spend waiting in court to be heard, the volume and length of correspondence exchanged between counsel, or the extensive Pretrial discovery, required by the Court, but often not particularly needed by the clients.
Lori Barkus is a Supreme Court Certified Circuit Civil Mediator, a Family Law Mediator and a Collaborative Divorce professional who practices in the areas of Marital and Family Law, Collaborative Divorce and mediation in Miami-Dade and Broward counties.
Author: Lori Barkus
Keywords: divorce, collaborative divorce, amicable, cost
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By admin
March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
Many words are associated with the divorce process. Despite what one may think, the most prevalent and most destructive of these is a simple four letter word: fear. Divorce places an enormous stress on all persons involved. More often than not, the stress stems from fear. On an emotional level, there is a fear of being alone, either as a single parent, a person reentering the workforce after many years or of losing the status of being married. From a financial standpoint, parties have a great deal of fear concerning their short and long term financial future.
The collaborative divorce process seeks to minimize fear as it is the greatest impediment towards settlement.In a collaborative divorce, the parties agree not to go to court and instead to freely and voluntarily disclose information and endeavor to reach an agreement. The parties agreement also provides that their lawyers, divorce coaches and child and financial specialists, if made part of the collaborative process, cannot participate in litigation if the collaborative process terminates. The process is confidential and all team members sign an agreement to that effect. However, where other professionals are involved, the agreement waives privilege to the extent that the professionals may exchange, amongst themselves, information gathered from their meetings with the parties to further understanding of the parties and their childrens needs.
The traditional Collaborative Divorce model separates the divorce process into two components. Divorce coaches and child specialists seek to quell clients emotional fears by handling coparenting plans and addressing communication issues. Financial specialists and attorneys tackle the legal and financial aspects of the divorce, by dividing the parties assets and creating a financial plan which addresses both parties needs, both presently and in the future.
Although collaborative divorce has been successful in many instances, there has been negative feedback concerning the process. In a study performed by the Collaborative Family Law Group in San Diego, it was found that most of the complainants raised questions concerning the necessity of coaches and specialists, uncertainty about settlement issues and the amount of time it took for the process to conclude. The San Diego group found that most complaints arose in cases where the collaborative divorce team did not work closely together. As a result, the group restructured their collaborative model and now advocates for integrated meetings involving all team members. In the old approach, coaches and child specialists would not attend meetings. As a result, if issues concerning parenting arose, the clients were told to wait and address those issues with their coaches. This revised model allows clients to have all issues addressed in one meeting and gives clients the impression that settlement issues, generally more financial in nature, and emotional issues are equally important. When emotional issues are handled as they arise, clients anxiety lessens, making them able to work more effectively towards settlement.
Collaborative practice groups across the country are still wrestling with the issue of whether to implement the interdisciplinary approach to collaborative law. As experience is beginning to show, the integrated approach can effectively achieve settlement by eliminating the stress and anxiety brought on by the fear factor.
Lori Barkus is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit Civil Mediator, a Family Law Mediator and a Collaborative Divorce professional who practices in the areas of Marital and Family Law, Collaborative Divorce and mediation in Miami-Dade and Broward counties.
Author: Lori Barkus
Keywords: divorce, collaborative divorce, amicable, cost
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March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
Why trust and divorce can go hand in hand
The emerging field of collaborative law is viewed with equal parts hope and skepticism. On one hand, courts, lawyers and divorcing couples, especially those with children, have struggled to find a way to make divorce less bitter and less emotionally draining. In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing not to go to court and instead to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. The parties agree that all discussions and information provided remains confidential The parties are not permitted to use threats of litigation, custody or otherwise.
Collaborative divorce seems like a good concept in theory but not in practice. When it comes to divorce, there is often a lack of trust between the parties and a great deal of anger. Most couples seeking to divorce have problems communicating with one another, which has often contributed to the decision to divorce. It seems hard to believe that two people who are unable to communicate will be able to do during this emotional and difficult period of their lives. When presented with this concept, many people respond that, if they could communicate, they wouldnt be getting divorced in the first place.
At first glance, it seems unlikely that two people who cant get along will be able to discuss their divorce in such a calm and reasonable manner. But a growing number of collaborative divorce practitioners, themselves disenchanted with the hostility-driven traditional divorce process, are finding success with collaborative law. In order to understand how collaborative divorce works, it is important to understand the concept of process trust.
There is a difference between trust between the parties and trust in the process. Collaborative divorce creates an environment of process trust by requiring full disclosure and enforcing the parties obligation to do so. A collaborative divorce lawyer must make full disclosure, and correct and mistaken assumptions on the part of the other party. And the lawyer must insist that his or her client do so as well. In traditional litigation, a lawyers role is to advance the position of their client without regard to the interests of the family. This type of winner takes all mentality may work well in a business context, but not in a divorce where the focus is supposed to be on the best interest of the children. In a collaborative divorce, lawyers work not as opposing counsel but, instead, as members of a team that is committed to achieving the best result for both parties and their children.
Collaborative divorce is not a fix all solution. Neither is protracted litigation over financial assets or a drawn out custody battle. The difference is that, with collaborative divorce, parties can create an environment that encourages them to move forward and which preserves financial resources and helps protect their children. Although trust between parties may have been lost, process trust can be created and can help the parties move forward.
Lori Barkus is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Circuit Civil Mediator, a Family Law Mediator and a Collaborative Divorce professional who practices in Dade and Broward Counties in the areas of Marital and Family Law, Collaborative Divorce and mediation.
Author: Lori Barkus
Keywords: divorce, collaborative divorce
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March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
Most of us in times of trouble turn to friends and other people for help, comfort and advice. The word of God in the beginning of Psalm 146 tells us not to. The psalmist warns us:
Psalm 146:3-4 (The Message)
3-9 Don’t put your life in the hands of experts
who know nothing of life, of salvation life.
Mere humans don’t have what it takes;
when they die, their projects die with them.
Instead, get help from the God of Jacob,
put your hope in God and know real blessing!
God made sky and soil,
sea and all the fish in it.
Psalm 146:3-4 (New King James Version)
3 Do not put your trust in princes,
Nor in a son of man, in whom there is no help.
4 His spirit departs, he returns to his earth;
In that very day his plans perish.
That being said, we should turn to the promises of God and look and claim the promises in hard times. Let us look at eight promises in the two psalms.
For the interest of clarity I am going to quote from the NKJV and the Message in each case.
Promise 1 Hell give you a hand up when you are down.
Psalm 145:14 (The Message)
14 God gives a hand to those down on their luck,
gives a fresh start to those ready to quit.
Psalm 145:14 (New King James Version)
14 The LORD upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
I have to say there has been many times when I have been ready to quit and the LORD in His wisdom and His mercy has sent someone or something along to give me the grace to get up and have another go. I have a preacher friend that tells me that we fall when we transgress the laws of God in other words we fall every time we sin. And isnt this verse right. The LORD is always there to lift us up and forgive us every time we fall.
I am confounded, astounded and surprised at how much grace the LORD of heaven has for us. I have transgressed the law so many times in a twenty year sex addiction and I am just blown away by how much and how willingly he forgave me through all those years. I am eternally grateful that He sent a teacher of the Word across my path to show me that my sexual addiction was not going to be tolerated forever and the need that I find true repentance.
Promise 2 Everything God does is right
Psalm 145:17 (The Message)
17 Everything God does is right
the trademark on all his works is love.
Psalm 145:17 (New King James Version)
17 The LORD is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.
Everything God does is right. That is such a profound statement in the midst of a suffering and dying world we live upon. Every single thing God does is right. And God abounds in love and His love is gracious and we are sometimes so undeserving of that love. Oh if we could only be more like Jesus and walk in the grace and mercy and compassion of Jesus, this world we live upon would be a different place. Promise 3 God promises to listen to your prayers
Psalm 145:18 (The Message)
18 God’s there, listening for all who pray,
for all who pray and mean it.
Psalm 145:18 (New King James Version)
18 The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
Ever felt like your prayers are bouncing off the roof of your house and never getting to heaven? I have. Then I started to walk in Truth toward God and started to seek Him out in my life and to obey Him. Its encouraging that the LORD would listen to all those who pray with faith that He is listening and who pray like they really mean it and its not some obligation or some ritual that they need to do as part of an empty religion. I find the promise in Jeremiah 29 encouraging.
Jeremiah 29:12-14 (New King James Version)
12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, says the LORD, and I will bring you back from your captivity;
You notice that the LORD said to Israel here that they need to search for Him with all their heart. Again in the Psalms he says He will be near to all that pray to Him in truth, with all of their heart.
This year I was seeking the LORD for healing and restoration in my life and now I have a counsellor that is doing some wonderful work with me, helping me in my spiritual life and unshackling the enemys hold on my life through curses I have spoken over my life and curses my family have had.
Its encouraging that the LORD of heaven and earth will be near to all that seek Him and cry out to Him. Promise 4 He will grant your desires if you delight in Him
Psalm 145:19 (The Message)
19 He does what’s best for those who fear him
hears them call out, and saves them.
Psalm 145:19 (New King James Version)
19 He will fulfil the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.
The LORD is there for the helpless and will save those that are in need. It is His promise for all who need His help. Its like sometimes when we are in trouble God is leaning down with one ear waiting for us to cry out for help.
He so loves to answer our prayers and move heaven and earth to answer them and prove to us that He loves us and is still a sovereign saving God.
Few of us fear the LORD like we should. If we all feared the LORD we would cease sinning. The person who loves the LORD and has a reverent fear of the LORD will have Godly desires and these will come true.
Psalm 37 shows that those that delight in the LORD will have their promises fulfilled.
Psalm 37:4 (New King James Version)
4 Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Many people have desires but they want for things of the world not for things of God, but when one delights themselves in the LORD and treats the LORD like their own spouse then the LORD will see that their desires come true as they are His desires.
Promise 5 He will preserve you through good and bad times
Psalm 145:20 (The Message)
20 God sticks by all who love him,
but it’s all over for those who don’t.
Psalm 145:20 (New King James Version)
20 The LORD preserves all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy.
Its good to see that God can be on our side when it comes to temptations and trials, and this verse applies to all of us that love Him and put Him first in our life. I get the picture of jams and pickles that get bottled and preserved for years by mothers and grandmothers and how delightful they are to taste in due season. The LORD promises that He will look out for us and help us through the days and the years of our sojourn on earth. I find tremendous comfort in this verse, and so should every person who has sinned a lot like me.
Promise 6 He will execute justice on your behalf
Psalm 146:7 (The Message)
He always does what he says
he defends the wronged,
Psalm 146:7 (New King James Version)
7 Who executes justice for the oppressed,
Who gives food to the hungry.
The LORD gives freedom to the prisoners.
The LORD goes to battle for the oppressed and the people that are wronged by others. He gives prisoners of sin a life of freedom through His Son and is able to set free people in prison also.
He feeds the hungry.
Who gives food to the hungry?
He feeds the hungry. Even in the starving nations He raises up people in the West to plead for money and resources to feed the hungry. So many times I have been out of food and the LORD has used a friend to provide for me. So many times has the LORD fed me through putting it on anothers heart to send me money or for a person to buy me something to eat. So too, I am often used by the LORD to feed a person who is down on their luck and this greatly blesses them.
God is wonderful and too good for all of us and yet because He is so good to us we need to reach out to others and share that love around and bring others to the truth.
Promise 7 He will give you light where you are spiritually blind
Psalm 146:8 (The Message) He gives sight to the blind,
he lifts up the fallen.
Psalm 146:8 (New King James Version)
8 The LORD opens the eyes of the blind;
The LORD raises those who are bowed down;
The LORD loves the righteous.
What a generous God we have! Not only does He heal people that are blind, still today these healings are being done in Jesus name, but He is busy taking the scales of miss teaching and wrong doctrines from the eyes of the church. It is great mercy indeed that the LORD can speak clearly against a false teaching and dismantle it with a good teacher and His Holy Spirits anointing. The LORD does not even need a good teacher as in 1 John the Teacher is identified as the Holy Spirit and even through a prayerful reading of the Word of God a blind persons eyes can still be opened.
The Bible is still effective in bringing people to conviction of Sin, repentance and drawing them into a life of holiness. The Bible lives and breathes and will open the eyes of the spiritually blind and correct and student of the Word who wants to be corrected and led by the Holy Spirit. The Word of God promises it right here!
And in most cases the blind are caught in a sin and have fallen short and when the eyes are opened they can find repentance and start to walk in grace and live in a new life where this hindrance or sin does not keep them in bondage any more
Promise 8 He will look out for the single mothers, the orphans and the widows
Psalm 146:9 (The Message)
GOD loves good people, protects strangers,
takes the side of orphans and widows,
but makes short work of the wicked.
Psalm 146:9 (New King James Version)
9 The LORD watches over the strangers;
He relieves the fatherless and widow;
But the way of the wicked He turns upside down.
A contemporary rendering of this promise might be that the LORD will look after the single mother whose child does not see his/her father. Divorce seems to make a lot of women single and these women are precious to the LORD. Single Christian female mothers should take great comfort in this verse and not rush too easily into the arms of another man to provide when the LORD promises here to provide. He relieves the fatherless and widow means He is going to be there to be their relief. The LORD knows your struggles and He knows your heart. You only need to seek Him and lay your case before Him.
Matthew shares his heart in these articles and can be found at http://www.online-prayer.net You can read more of his articles at his link below.
If you want a copy of his upcoming book of articles which will have the first sixty of the articles on this web-site called The Musings of a Mad Prophet please contact Matthew via email so he can contact you around February 2007 to tell you of the progress of the book.
Author: Matthew Robert Payne
Keywords: divorce
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March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
For years I have boycotted Christmas, Easter and all those special days. The special days in this world have lost all meaning for me.
One Christmas, when I was staying with a spiritual lady and her three lovely daughters, we invited Jesus to come and visit and say hello. Well He did come because when we felt him arrive the canary fluttered all around its cage as though someone was trying to put their hand in the cage. The three girls face lit up and we all said we loved him and after a few minutes He left. That was a very special Christmas for me and since I had three daughters there (they felt like daughters) I felt like a family man that Christmas.
Though Sharryn broke my heart in two I never ever wished her to be sad.
Though she broke my heart, I only ever wanted the best for her. How could I say I love her and not want the very best for her.
I have coined a phrase about love. Its my own. I hope you like it and repeat it to your friends and perhaps I will hear it as a clich one day.
It is: Love is wanting the very best for the girl/guy you love, even if she/he is not with you!
Well she married a pastors son. I hope one day she can see that I healed and became someone better then who she left.
It is my prayer that one day in the future we can all go out and have a good meal as a family.
I imagine she has a lot of nice friends out there too. I have got a few good ones in my life to.
I had no idea I was going to give you a history of my marriage and my wifes two lovers when I sat down tonight. I just know the best way to treat the lover who leaves you is how Cat Stevens does in this song and I will close with the rest of it.
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
and I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
Baby I love you, but if you wanna leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there’s a lot of bad,
and beware, beware,
oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
and I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
Ill never kiss another lady, I will never re- marry and I will always be single and I will always remember that good looking gal like a child!
What more can I say,
Perhaps I can pray
That you might not cry
And you can take a sigh
And move in the right direction
After this correction
Yes love is the reason
To keep the joy in the seasons
Be a good guy and gal
Separate sure but try and stay pals
Dear Father
I bring this reader before you. There is a good chance this person is not a good Christian person. There is a good chance seeing as their life is in a mess that they might even be blaming you. So Father be kind to this person. Lead them to the right counsel amongst their friends. Give them the motivation to forgive their partner and to forgive and forget. I pray that you hold them up supernaturally and though they cry and suffer loss that their tears may turn to joy in years to come when they see how this trial right now made them stronger in character. After all, anyone can be good looking, good looks come to us by chance, but a good character is something that we work on. It is something of value and something worth more then rubies or diamonds.
Father lead these people by still waters. Take them to the waters edge and let them see your reflection in the water and see your face in their child or another persons child and in the future come to trust you enough to offer a prayer or two up to you.
In Jesus name I ask
Amen
Matthew shares his heart in these articles and can be found at http://www.online-prayer.net You can read more of his articles at his link below.
If you want a copy of his upcoming book of articles which will have the first sixty of the articles on this web-site called The Musings of a Mad Prophet please contact Matthew via email so he can contact you around February 2007 to tell you of the progress of the book.
Author: Matthew Robert Payne
Keywords: Cat Stevens, Wild World, seperation
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March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
Cats song starts with this stanza of lyrics.
Now that I’ve lost everything to you,
you say you want to start something new,
and it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving,
baby I’m grieving.
My wife left with our CDs and with my child and with my heart. When she told me to leave her or else she would move out, I cried my heart out for a while and then politely asked her if I could sleep in our bed with her that night and possibly leave in the morning. She agreed that I could and didnt change her habit of sleeping nude and I slept next to my sexy wife naked next to me for the last night. Just as we were going to bed that night, half an hour after the argument that ended in me being given myo marching orders, I was tempted to ask her if I could make love to her one more time before I left. You know, One for the road. lol
It wasnt fear that stopped me from asking, it was my respect for my wife as asking her to have sex so soon after a bad argument and considering that she had finally had just to much of me would have been highly insulting to her as there would have been no love coming from her side.
I have always been a person who likes to spend money and my wife liked doing it, and so besides some nice clothes and a TV and sterio we really didnt have anything of value except our collection of CDs of which I left her.
I left in tears at 5am in the morning, looked in on my 2 year old son and was tempted to take him away with me on a train to my parents, some 500kms away. Yes I could have taken my son, as I was his father and the police could not have arrested me and taken him back. I could have settled in my home town and the fight for custody could have started 10 hours later when Sharryn would have been angrily shouting at me at my parents house over the phone.
But taking my son would hurt Sharryn and though she had told me to leave, I was not going to hurt her in that way. Besides, lets face it, mothers are made to nurture children, and children are best raised with a mother if it is possible. Fathers are good at parenting and I have met fine fathers in my time, but God made breasts on a women and it kinda proves the babies are meant to be closer to mum.
So leaving Sharryn that morning was kinda leaving my heart in that house in her spirit and part of my heart broke leaving my little boy also. Some people might assume that a male does not weep when he goes from a 14 day a fortnight full time father to a 2 day a fortnight part time father, but ladies to a sensitive co dependent messed up guy like me, losing the full time relationship with my son made me very sad.
For 8 hours on the train to my parents house I wept. The trees and meadows and farms passed by outside, with splashes of green and brown and the odd blue river under a bridge, and inside I wept as quietly as I could so as not disturb anyone. Six days later in a shower I decided to kill myself and if it had not been for my spiritually in tune mother who worried about her son in that shower that day, and my younger brother who was a trained counsellor, I would not have been typing this.
and it’s breaking my heart you’re leaving, baby I’m grieving.
Though I left, it was my wife leaving and boy, suicide was very close.
But if you wanna leave take good care, hope you have a lot of nice things to wear, but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.
Though I had not been a good provider in the months before the separation, I had been good for the years before, and my wife had some nice outfits to wear. I have to agree with this lyric though, my wife was really pretty in my opinion with her rich Lebanese olive skin and dress size 12 figure and dark hair it would have been my wish to see her in more stunning dresses.
Sharryn was a dream girl. Such a wild girl, like a good horse she had plenty of spirit, enough to make her win races if she was a race horse and the endurance of a good horse that might do country riding. She was a fighter, she was a Maverick out of Top Gun, her all-time favourite movie. She was a player, she was the right girl to have at your side if you were going to take big risks and go all out at building a big empire. She wouldnt fight to be the man of the house, she was strong enough to stand by her man and hold him up and pull him back up if he has a setback, but she was so strong in spirit that she was the wife a future millionaire would choose in his youth and together they would set the world on fire.
She had stickability, she was loyal, she was a vixen in bed, very loving and very intoxicating like a drug to me. Her looks were something that just kept me looking in the mirror each day and wondering why she fell in love with me. She used to say I was very handsome, but I had such a low opinion of myself I told her she was crazy on a number of occasions for marrying me.
I think I said it so much I convinced her!! lol
She was a gem. Her real father was a multi millionaire on good property who did endurance races on Arabian horses over five days and hundreds of miles for fun, who had a business and bred champion horses on his own stud at home as a side income. I only met him once, he offered to teach Sharryn and myself to ride endurance with him and his new wife. They say a girl marries her father and I could not reconcile why she married me.
Then when she told me about her step father who molested her, a drinker and a loser, though I have never been a child molester, I seemed a little bit more like this loser her mother had in her second marriage. This man had also left her life as mum had moved on.
Today I am becoming a lot more like her millionaire father and a lot less like her step father and in the midst of my counselling I reminisce and wish that she could have just held on long enough to see me now. Shed be proud of how well I am going and my love for myself.
but then a lot of nice things turn bad out there.
Things didnt turn out bad for Sharryn. She left me for another bloke she was having an affair with. Well I was not good enough and she would have told me to leave even if she didnt have another lover. I dont blame him at all. I cant blame him for sleeping with my wife behind my back. She had told him it was alright and perhaps she was just trying to get the courage to leave me.
She invited him to a drive-in movie with us one night. He was her friend she met at work where she was working, it was a vegetarian sort of caf, and he was a locksmith tradesman customer who asked her out one day, not knowing she was married. In fact shed kissed him before he knew she was married and when Sharryn had kissed you, well folks you were hooked! LOL
Anyway the movie was Bodyguard. And Kevin Costner gave her the line she would give me a few weeks later. I have fallen out of love with you Matthew.
How could I argue with that? The only chance I had was to leave, be good and hope to date her later and win back her affection. Though a month later when I found out about how this guy and her were an item and had been lovers before I even got my marching orders, my hopes were dashed about dating her.
But this poor guy got engaged to her and 18 months later she left him for a ministers son.
I was there to hold this man in my arms as he wept for losing my wife, (well ex wife by then) You see whilst Sharryn lived with this guy, who had his own home, I made a point of becoming a good friend of his, so that he and I would have no hassles over my love for Sharryn and no grief over me coming around once a fortnight to get my son. We even had a game of tennis once every two weeks and my son who was three and a half was ball boy running all over the place picking up our balls and throwing them to us.
My Son called me Matthew daddy. And he called Brian, Daddy. That cut me to the heart the first time I heard him call Brian daddy when we were all together and I turned to answer him and saw he was asking for Brians attention. I didnt cry then, but after that game of tennis I wept. My young son was all smiles. He told me how lucky he was to have two daddies that loved him. Those sort of statements make your eyes fill with happy tears.
Well after 18 months of being with Brain Sharryn left him and he was weeping and I was consoling him. We had both loved Sharryn. We had both made love to Sharryn. We had both done our level best to make her happy. And we both had not only lost her, but we had both been cheated on, humiliated and left to weep losing this stunning girl inside and out. We had a lot in common. We were friends until he met a lovely Christian girl at his church and they married. She was not comfortable when she found out how Brian and I met and we ended our friendship with a hug and tears of joy for his engagement. I was invited to that wedding but sent my apologies. I dont go to weddings anymore.
For Brian a lot of nice things turn out bad out there, for a season between Sharryn and his new wife, but for Sharryn she was off with a pastors son. I dont think she picked a great pastors son who was cheating with her before he got her, but then I am no saint, I was living with her out of wedlock when she fell pregnant and I was supposed to be a Christian.
She married this man. I was happy and sad on that day. Sharryn never allowed me close to this partner of hers. I never met this guy alone to have a man to man chat. He was handsome, a builder, with a flash Utility and he was fantastic with my son. My son adored this guy. I have to give it to my wife. She had a good ability at finding good father figures for my son.
I had been bi-sexual in my past and I have to tell you girls, this guy was quite handsome, had a toned figure and pretty well was everything a young girl might want. I dont know how many years they dated. It was about three or so. Sharryn was only with me for five months before our wedding and so this three year courtship was a sign of my wife getting very smart in picking a suitable life partner.
They married and a month later she told me she no longer had a need of me and I could not see my son anymore. I asked if could I say good bye to my son on the phone and she said it would be too sad for him. She told me Brandyn and her had already done the talking and hed done his crying as he had come to grips with mummys decision and it would be unfair on him to make him cry again.
I got off the phone and wept again and every fathers day, every Christmas day, and every birthday of my sons I weep again and many days in between. If you are judging me for walking out of my sons life and not fighting for my rights please consult my article titled Five good reasons I stopped seeing my son, where I address this in detail.
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world,
it’s hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it’s a wild world.
Baby was a name I called my wife. Gee I had some good times with that girl. Its a wild world out there but Sharryn was pretty wise.
I’ll always remember you like a child, girl.
You know I’ve seen a lot of what the world can do,
and it’s breaking my heart in two,
cause I never want to see you sad girl,
don’t be a bad girl,
but if you want to leave take good care,
hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
but just remember there’s a lot of bad and beware,
beware,
I loved her with the love of a child. Since I was molested at age fourteen, I sort of had a very innocent love, a love that doesnt know envy or jelousy and is full of trust.
I know the world is rough. Sharryn quickly disappeared after she re- married and I have not ever tried to find her since. My parents live in the same house, she knows where that is. My son, I pray, will come back around 18 or 20 to come and see me. I pray for that a lot. Please ladies if you are reading this. No matter how bad your husband is, please let him see his children. Give the children a good role model, a new man to love, but please dont make the father of your children weep on what should be the happiest days of the year.
Go on to part 2
Matthew shares his heart in these articles and can be found at http://www.online-prayer.net You can read more of his articles at his link below.
If you want a copy of his upcoming book of articles which will have the first sixty of the articles on this web-site called The Musings of a Mad Prophet please contact Matthew via email so he can contact you around February 2007 to tell you of the progress of the book.
Author: Matthew Robert Payne
Keywords: Cat Stevens, Wild World, seperation
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By admin
March 22nd, 2009 at 01:45pm
Under Divorce
Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.
In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.
A child specialist works in much the same way as a guardian ad litem in that the specialist acts as a voice for the children in the divorce process. Unlike the guardian, the child specialist does not assess the parents and children and does not make custody recommendations. The child specialist is a member of the collaborative divorce team who acts as a neutral advocate for the children.
Like all members of the collaborative divorce team, the child specialist is trained in the principles of collaborative law. During the parties initial meeting, the parties and their collaborative team will discuss the role of the children in the collaborative divorce process. In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the childrens best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.
Lori Barkus is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Civil Mediator, a Family Law Mediator and a Collaborative Divorce professional who practices in the areas of Marital and Family Law, Collaborative Divorce and mediation in Miami-Dade and Broward counties.
Author: Lori Barkus
Keywords: divorce, collaborative divorce, amicable, cost, children
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